


Identity

by Zoe13



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: M/M, Mentions of Suicide, mentions of bullying
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-22
Updated: 2014-09-22
Packaged: 2018-02-18 04:54:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,956
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2336015
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zoe13/pseuds/Zoe13
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Michael just wants to be like his older brother who killed himself several years ago. Luke's too much like Jason and Michael hates it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Identity

Neither of them could even remember who started it- the hate and anger they had toward each other. They couldn't even remember _why_ they hated each other: after nearly a year it felt normal, like it was part of how the world just was. They criticized each other constantly, finding the weak points and digging in sharply. Calum tried to get in between, but then they both turned on him until he backed off. 

Michael _did_ get the worst of it though. It's because Luke looks like an angel and bites like a snake. Michael could definitely give as good as he got, but outsiders sided with Luke. Luke's mom glared at Michael whenever she saw him. Luke's friends hated Michael too. Even _Michael's_ mom told him he was wrong. 

He realized that there were two reasons- one, his only friend was Calum and Calum was trying to remain neutral, and two, Michael just looked like a rebel. He had no piercings or tattoos, he didn't smoke, but he had a ridiculous fringe and a closed off attitude that was loneliness masked as dislike toward others. Luke had an adorable face and messy blond hair and innocent blue eyes and yeah, everyone loved him. It was a part of why Michael hated him.

But deep down Michael _did_ know why he hated Luke. It was because Luke was  _exactly_ like Jason. And Michael had always tried to be like Jason and failed. 

Jason was- had been -his older brother. He'd been seventeen two years before Michael met Luke and he'd been tall, blond haired, and blue eyed. He'd been sweet like Luke was with everyone but Michael, and he'd been sensitive. Too sensitive. He'd come out in year nine and killed himself shortly after when his friends had deserted him and even bullied him. Michael had aspired to be exactly like him, especially when he saw the disappointment in his mother's eyes when she saw how very _not_ like Jason he was. Then Luke came along and was Jason 2.0 without trying and Michael's mom loved him. Michael lived for the moments when they fought because that was when he drew out the part of Luke that was nothing like Jason. That was when he saw Luke and _not_ his dead older brother. 

He was feeling especially bitter about it one day when he took a failed science test home to his mum. He wanted to hide it but he knew she'd just find out and be more angry. Besides- Jason wouldn't have lied. So he brought it in.

"How was school?" she asked the minute he stepped into the house. 

"Had a science test today," he said quietly. He set it dejectedly on the counter and turned away toward the stairs. 

"Michael Clifford!"

Michael cringed and turned around. He already felt shitty about it and he didn't know what to do.

"I'm sorry," he said helplessly.

His mom didn't look angry as much as sad. "Jason never brought home a bad grade," she said, her eyes filling with tears. "He was so good at school."

"I'm sorry," Michael repeated. "I really am. I'll do better."

"Not even an A minus," his mother continued, and Michael felt five seconds away from bursting into tears in the middle of the kitchen. 

"I'm gonna go study with Calum. Maybe- maybe he can help me figure it out."

"Jason always helped other boys with school," his mother said tearfully. 

Michael cried the whole walk to Calum's house. 

Luke was there and Michael really didn't want to see him. He ignored his first snarky comment and flopped on Calum's bed, dropping his backpack to the floor.

Calum immediately looked concerned. "What's wrong?"

"What did you get on the test?" Michael asked.

"An A minus."

"I got a solid A," Luke grinned. It was the first thing he'd said to Michael in a while that hadn't been meanly intended but it stung more.

"Well aren't you Mr Perfect!" Michael growled at him, standing up and grabbing his bag. "I'll see you later, Calum. Let me know when he leaves."

Michael stormed out of the room. Luke looked concerned instead of pissed and it infuriated Michael more. He walked to the park and sat down on a bench, dropping his backpack again and running his hands through his hair. 

"I wish you were here, Jason," he said quietly. "Maybe mom would want me to be me then, and not you. Maybe _I_ would want that." He stared out at the small pond and frowned at the water. 

Water. Jason had been in the bath when Michael found him. 

With a shuddering breath, Michael tried to force the thought from his mind. His phone rang and he answered it gladly. 

"Michael, what's wrong?" Calum asked him. 

"I flunked the test. Mom tried to give me the talk on how good Jason was at school. You can imagine how that was." 

He felt like an idiot when he started crying again, but he couldn't help it. 

"Michael, Jason wouldn't want you to try and be like him," Calum said in a concerned tone. "I keep telling you that. Jason was all for individuality. He was all for supporting people in what they were good at. He was one of those people who understood that being good at school isn't the only way to be smart."

"I don't care about being smart- I want my mom to love me."

Calum sighed. "Come over to my house. Luke left and I can help you with science homework."

Michael wiped his face, picked up his bag, and headed toward Calum's house.

_______

Calum tried again to get Luke and Michael to be civil with one another and the closest they'd gotten was ignoring each other. Instead, they both spoke with Calum. 

"So I talked to some of the guys in year ten about cars," Calum said conversationally when Luke and Michael had even glaring at each other for a little too long. 

"Cool," Luke said absently. Michael noted that he had the upper hand over Luke when it came to glaring. Luke looked like a slightly pissed cherub when he tried. 

"Phil said he likes trucks," Calum continued awkwardly. 

"Eh," said Michael. 

"Kyle likes Porsches," Calum tried. 

"That's so gay," Luke laughed. 

Michael saw red. When he was younger he'd seen Jason get bullied. He'd heard the sneering and the nasty names and somewhere deep down he knew Luke didn't mean it like that, but he couldn't help but flip out. Before he knew it, he'd tackled Luke to the floor.

" _Shut up!_ " He yelled at him. Luke reacted quickly and tried to roll them over but Michael was still larger than him and he managed to keep rolling them back so he was on top. 

"Michael, stop! He didn't mean it like that!" Calum grabbed Michael and tried to pull him off. Luke finally landed a punch and hit Michael right in the eye, forcing him to let go. Calum yanked Muhael back and fell to the floor, grasping him tightly. 

"What the hell-" Luke scrambled to his feet but cut himself off when he saw Michael. Michael had curled in on himself and was crying, racking sobs and shuddering breaths. Calum wrapped his arms around him and held him close, rubbing his back. 

"Michael, what happened?" Calum asked quietly after a moment. Michael didn't care that Luke was there anymore. 

"They said that to him all the time," Michael whispered. His voice was hoarse. "They called him all kinds of names like it was bad, like it was _disgusting_." 

Understanding dawned on Calum's face. "Michael, Luke didn't mean it like that, honest."

Luke hesitantly sat down next to Calum and Michael. "I didn't," he said. "I mean, I'm bi, so it would be a little hypocritical of me." 

Michael had finally calmed down and he wiped his face. "I'm sorry. It wasn't your fault and it wasn't fair to flip out on you."

"You're the one with the black eye," Luke told him. 

"Really? Shit! Jason- my mom's gonna think-"

"Tell her we were mock wrestling or something."

"She doesn't think you're capable of that," Michael mumbled. 

"Michael, it will be fine. Luke's not offended and your mom won't be too upset, okay? I'm just glad you guys are getting along for a few minutes."

"It was stupid anyway," Luke said. "I'll stop being a self-righteous jerk."

"I'll stop being a jealous asshole," Michael said. 

"Jealous?" Luke questioned. 

Michael suddenly felt the urge to cry again and he ran a hand through his hair. 

"Calum, can you explain?" He asked. "I'm- I'm gonna go to the park for a bit." 

Caum nodded and Michael left.

_______

He didn't cry at the park. Well, at least not much. He mostly remembered. He remembered Jason in the bathtub, blood and water mingling. He remembers being fifteen and carefree and then being fifteen and guilty. So guilty. He wasn't enough to keep Jason alive, he wasn't enough to help his mother feel better. He wasn't enough to _be_ Jason. 

He heard footsteps behind him and then Luke was sitting down next to him, his hands in his pockets. 

"You know, I like you the way you are," Luke said quietly. "I know it's not exactly obvious. I didn't hate you, I was just hurt because...well, I wanted you to like me and you didn't." 

"I'm sorry," Michael sighed. "This whole thing is my fault."

Luke seemed to know what he meant without asking. "Jason doesn't sound like the type of person who would try to unload his problems on someone. I don't see any way in which it was your fault."

"He didn't want to stay." Michael bit his lip and tried not to let the tears come. "Couldn't he have stayed for me?"

"Maybe he did. He got bullied for a while, didn't he? Maybe he stayed as long as he did because he wanted to see you more, wanted to spend more time with you. Calum- Calum said he spent a lot of time with you before he...died. Maybe he wanted to store up memories."

"I found him, you know." Michael buried his face in his hands. "After he died I wanted to be just like him. My mum wanted me to too."

"But what would Jason want?"

Michael felt a tear trickle down his face. "He'd want me to be happy."

"So you should be _you_ , Michael. Jason was a person who already existed. Michael exists now. I like Michael, I don't want him to leave and be replaced by someone else."

"Why are you being so nice suddenly?" Michael asked. "I've been so horrible to you."

"I've been horrible back. And I understand." Luke sighed and rested a hand on top of Michael's. Michael turned to look at him, his heart thudding. 

"I don't really hate you," he said softly to Luke. Luke smiled. 

"Good," he said. "Because I really, really like you, Michael. I want you to be happy. I just- I really like you."

Michael stared at him. " _Me?_ "

"Yes, you." Luke looked at him nervously.

And Michael realized that he liked him back. He'd been terrified of it all along, terrified of being gay and ending up a little _too_ much like Jason, but he wasn't worried anymore. 

He turned and kissed Luke on the cheek softly. "I like you too," he said in his ear, and Luke turned and smiled widely at him. 

"Come on then," he said. "Let's go tell Calum we're both still alive."

They stood and headed towards Calum's house, their fingers intertwined. 

Michael thought that maybe it was the beginning of something huge. 


End file.
